No.

If I had now been the same girl I was less than 24 hours ago, the first words of this post would have been “I am broken, again.” But I no longer am that girl anymore. And so my words will now be “I am relieved.”

Yes, I am relieved. Because every lie discovered is a lie less infecting my life.

Are there even words to express the feelings? No. I doubt it. But there no longer ARE feelings.

When a part of a body becomes so contaminated that it cannot ever be cured, what can you possibly do? You amputate it. Coldly. You don't leave bits or pieces, you slice it off, butchering all possible nerves that could ever remind you it was there, and you throw it out.

I screamed, I cried, I bled and broke and cracked and tore and burnt. And then what? Did it matter to all those who hurt me? No. So why waste the energy. I took that piece out of me and threw it out. It's over. As far as I'm concerned, it never even happened.

I was angry, hurt, confused, shocked, everything.. and then what!? Was it all going to go away? Was anyone going to make it okay or make me understand?! I decided not to stick around and wait it out for something I know is not going to happen. And if it does? I don't want to hear it.

Yes I am far FAR from perfect, but so is everyone else. And as far as I may be, I DO deserve better! I AM better than this.

When your dreams, promises, feelings and entire soul is brought down to its knees and everything you trusted, believed in and breathed for is shoved in your face as lies and acts begin to unfold, it is not an easy trip. But I'm still here. And I'm still breathing and my sanity is still intact enough for me to write this. And this is when I realize, I am strong. I am strong and I can get through it and I will be okay.

Because who the hell has the write to bring down my tears? Who the hell has the right to shatter me and batter my life around and then simply walk away without an ounce of humanity and with the audacity to lie to my face?!

No one. And from now on, that's the ONLY way it's ever going to be. I DO come first. Because who are people and what's the world to put me in second place ?!

If your not someone's number 1, don't let the world lead you into being your self's runner up.

Someone tell me why..

Today, I am broken.

I tried everything I could to keep it together. I smiled, laughed, talked as best I could as the streaming faces passed by, but the more I held my ground, the more it burned in my chest.

But my hold did not last long.

The moment I walked into my room and quietly locked my door, I collapsed. It all fell apart and the drumming got louder and louder in my head. A million questions.

Why

How

.. but mostly, why.

I tried breathing, but it stung. I could feel it as if it was something physically within me. What hurt the most was realizing that my pain didn't matter. It made it so much worse and made the questions buzzing in my head a million times more persistent.

I waited for anything that would somehow soothe the pain or comfort me. I held back my tears so strongly until I couldn't keep my eyes open for fear of feeling them fall. I had to hold it in. Keep it together. But I couldn't. Memories kept streaming through my head and the pain got deeper and deeper with the realization of reality.

“Please, please no. This isn't happening. Not this time. Not now. No. Please. Not again.”

My resolve broke and the only thing I could do to contain it was to cover my face with my pillow and .. that's when the screaming began.

No one could hear my muffled screams and no one could tell me I was going to be okay this time. No one could wipe my tears or stop the tearing in my heart. .. and no one could have seen it coming.

It's hard to believe yet too solid to deny.

What an idiot. What a fool.

I was cracking and by dawn, I had completely broken apart. Nothing made sense. And nothing helped. The confusion is still unbearable. Why. Why why why!!

No one was able to answer my wails. Let alone hear them. And if they did, would they know what to say? Does anyone have the answer?

The only comfort I was able to find was when my body was too tired to feel and was forced to shut down. And even then, I tossed a million times, hoping that once I woke up, it would have all been a horrible dream. The type of dream that's too devastating to even believe.

I keep telling myself that it's not worth it. That no one should have the power to destroy me. I say it over and over, but it doesn't work. Not long enough anyway.

The only words that were, in any way, able to console me were that there's no reason why people hurt us. It's just fact. It just is what it is. And that it isn't my fault that I'm trusting. And honesty was not something I ought to be ashamed of. ... but I cant help but pile these bricks around my heart and bottle up my soul.

I don't know how to deal with it, or how deeply I can breathe without bursting my lungs, or how long I'm going to feel the sharp stabs before the dagger begins to go blunt. All I know, is it hurts, and I didn't deserve it and I don't understand why..

I'm going to put my questions to rest for now.. maybe tomorrow things will be clearer. Maybe soon I'll laugh again. But for now.. I'll keep my pillow on my face and scream myself to sleep..