(Empty)

I came home, it was supposed to be just one of those regular boring nights back from the movies.. but something had me gripped. This sharp, hollow feeling. I don't know where it came from or why it's still making me shake..

I couldn't go in, but I couldn't wonder out either. So I went as high up as I could.

I stood on the roof top gripping the rail. I knew I wouldn't fall, but the density of the metal somehow reassured me that it's solidness would keep me from slipping over.

It was cold. And I welcomed it. I welcomed it's sting and let it trickle through me and bring numbness with it; then my body would be too busy to feel anything else. Too busy to feel the wall inside me crack and finally begin fall apart.

I took a few steps back and sat there on the damp cold planks and took a deep breath to ease the panic. The air did me good. It frosted my insides so that my heart would beat slower. So I wouldn't fall apart at once too quickly.

I heard the laughter from below me bubbling up. Familiar voices.

I looked around me.. it was dark, cold, I was shaking, there was an open door.. and I was.. alone.

I'm not alone in the usual sense.. I have a lot of great friends.. family.. a life..

So what was I doing up there? Sitting there and feeling.. empty. Empty but on the verge of bursting at the same time.

As soon as I started feeling the dampness soak through my jeans, I realized how crazy I must seem. Sitting on a wet roof top in the freezing cold, in the middle of the city, at midnight. I kept looking to the door, but no.. No one.

I realized that if it was someone or something i was waiting for, it wasn't going to happen tonight; I was going to be sitting there for a long time had I chosen to wait for something majestic to suddenly occur.

So I did what I do every night. I got up, pulled out my keys, and pressed the button to my floor on the elevator. And also like every night, I unlocked the door to my apartment, hoping that somehow, I'd hear something.. Sounds. Someone moving around. A TV on.. anything. But no. Not tonight. Tonight there was just.. silence. Silence, and me. Tonight I didn't even bother flicking on the lights. I just stood there. I leaned my back against the door and slid down to the floor and sat staring at nothing in particular for a good while. Until a voice inside my head told me, “get up, you look pathetic.”

And I did. I got up and got out my notepad and started writing this. So then what? Now what?

Now, I close the lid on my notepad, find my way between the sheets and turn off. Because tomorrow I will wake up, and everything will be right where I left it.. and tomorrow will probably be the same.