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December 20, 2009

No.




If I had now been the same girl I was less than 24 hours ago, the first words of this post would have been “I am broken, again.” But I no longer am that girl anymore. And so my words will now be “I am relieved.”


Yes, I am relieved. Because every lie discovered is a lie less infecting my life.

Are there even words to express the feelings? No. I doubt it. But there no longer ARE feelings.

When a part of a body becomes so contaminated that it cannot ever be cured, what can you possibly do? You amputate it. Coldly. You don't leave bits or pieces, you slice it off, butchering all possible nerves that could ever remind you it was there, and you throw it out.


I screamed, I cried, I bled and broke and cracked and tore and burnt. And then what? Did it matter to all those who hurt me? No. So why waste the energy. I took that piece out of me and threw it out. It's over. As far as I'm concerned, it never even happened.


I was angry, hurt, confused, shocked, everything.. and then what!? Was it all going to go away? Was anyone going to make it okay or make me understand?! I decided not to stick around and wait it out for something I know is not going to happen. And if it does? I don't want to hear it.


Yes I am far FAR from perfect, but so is everyone else. And as far as I may be, I DO deserve better! I AM better than this.


When your dreams, promises, feelings and entire soul is brought down to its knees and everything you trusted, believed in and breathed for is shoved in your face as lies and acts begin to unfold, it is not an easy trip. But I'm still here. And I'm still breathing and my sanity is still intact enough for me to write this. And this is when I realize, I am strong. I am strong and I can get through it and I will be okay.


Because who the hell has the write to bring down my tears? Who the hell has the right to shatter me and batter my life around and then simply walk away without an ounce of humanity and with the audacity to lie to my face?!


No one. And from now on, that's the ONLY way it's ever going to be. I DO come first. Because who are people and what's the world to put me in second place ?!


If your not someone's number 1, don't let the world lead you into being your self's runner up.


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