Someone tell me why..

Today, I am broken.

I tried everything I could to keep it together. I smiled, laughed, talked as best I could as the streaming faces passed by, but the more I held my ground, the more it burned in my chest.

But my hold did not last long.

The moment I walked into my room and quietly locked my door, I collapsed. It all fell apart and the drumming got louder and louder in my head. A million questions.

Why

How

.. but mostly, why.

I tried breathing, but it stung. I could feel it as if it was something physically within me. What hurt the most was realizing that my pain didn't matter. It made it so much worse and made the questions buzzing in my head a million times more persistent.

I waited for anything that would somehow soothe the pain or comfort me. I held back my tears so strongly until I couldn't keep my eyes open for fear of feeling them fall. I had to hold it in. Keep it together. But I couldn't. Memories kept streaming through my head and the pain got deeper and deeper with the realization of reality.

“Please, please no. This isn't happening. Not this time. Not now. No. Please. Not again.”

My resolve broke and the only thing I could do to contain it was to cover my face with my pillow and .. that's when the screaming began.

No one could hear my muffled screams and no one could tell me I was going to be okay this time. No one could wipe my tears or stop the tearing in my heart. .. and no one could have seen it coming.

It's hard to believe yet too solid to deny.

What an idiot. What a fool.

I was cracking and by dawn, I had completely broken apart. Nothing made sense. And nothing helped. The confusion is still unbearable. Why. Why why why!!

No one was able to answer my wails. Let alone hear them. And if they did, would they know what to say? Does anyone have the answer?

The only comfort I was able to find was when my body was too tired to feel and was forced to shut down. And even then, I tossed a million times, hoping that once I woke up, it would have all been a horrible dream. The type of dream that's too devastating to even believe.

I keep telling myself that it's not worth it. That no one should have the power to destroy me. I say it over and over, but it doesn't work. Not long enough anyway.

The only words that were, in any way, able to console me were that there's no reason why people hurt us. It's just fact. It just is what it is. And that it isn't my fault that I'm trusting. And honesty was not something I ought to be ashamed of. ... but I cant help but pile these bricks around my heart and bottle up my soul.

I don't know how to deal with it, or how deeply I can breathe without bursting my lungs, or how long I'm going to feel the sharp stabs before the dagger begins to go blunt. All I know, is it hurts, and I didn't deserve it and I don't understand why..

I'm going to put my questions to rest for now.. maybe tomorrow things will be clearer. Maybe soon I'll laugh again. But for now.. I'll keep my pillow on my face and scream myself to sleep..